Moving On

I have just finished sorting all my son's outgrown things ready to sell. I find myself feeling a little melancholic. I am having to remind myself that we still have our gorgeous boy. He sleeps peacefully in his recently lowered cot while I am busy out here in the lounge. The cot is lowered because he recently pulled himself up against the couch a few times..don't want him to land headfirst on the ground when he first works out how to get upright in the cot now, do we?! He has just sprouted two top teeth, and is trying to work out how to get the tv cabinet open. He loves the peg container and patting the lino floor in the kitchen, or banging his wooden spoon on whatever object happens to be convenient. His daddy loves that he can sit on the floor in the mornings and call to Munchkin, and the little guy will more often than not come crawling over to say good morning (aka slobber over Daddy's foot or arm!). I love being able to kiss and cuddle and wriggle around together without the constant worry of being puked all over. It does still happen, but only occassionally now. So nice not to smell of puke. So, so, so nice to feel I can be affectionate and let him have his face up close to mine!

My son is well and happy. So why I am sad? He is just growing up. It's not like I want him to stay a baby forever. On the contrary, each new phase he gets to, we like more than the previous ones. We are not really 'baby people' you know (some people just LOVE babies, other people - like us - do not). We are super pleased to have survived the first 6months and are really looking forward to getting to know our boy more and more as he grows.

I think I am sad because this signals the end of a dream in some ways. We aren't planning on having another baby any time soon, you see. No point keeping clothes for three years or something, for an event that is highly debatable at present. I would like another child, but I do not feel in any way, shape, or form physically (and therefore also emotionally) up to the whole process. I did not enjoy pregnancy. By all accounts, I didn't have a particularly bad one either, but to me, it was a bit nasty. Mostly due to the huge fluid retention I suffered and the toxic-something-or-other illness I had at the end, which resulted in the awful labour. Which I think I could survive again, if I had to, but not with the pregnancy and post labour issues I had. My body is till kuput. I don't even know if that is considered a proper word, but read it as stuffed, up the creek without a paddle, not a-okay, and you get the general idea. So the thought of another baby freaks me out, big time.

I realise I may feel completely different about this in a few years time, so we are not rushing to conclusions just yet. But the likelihood is small. Small enough that there is no point in storing the containers of clothing Munchkin has grown through in rather a great rush. Hence the decision to sell them. We are fairly tight on money at present, and he needs clothes for this winter, and the coming spring and summer. Knowing him, probably quite a few different sizes too (he is a bit of a bean pole!). So we are selling off the old to a local second hand baby store, in order to buy new. Might even buy them from the same store!

Having written all this down, I am starting to feel a little less depressed about the whole thing. After all, I did say to God that if he chose to only give me one child, I would be happy with that. My son is an incredible blessing, a miracle baby, and I am so grateful to have him in my life. And only God knows what the future holds for our family.

Amy

Wednesday, 23rd February, 2011