Friday, April 16, 2010

Why am I doing this to myself???

So I handed in assignment number 3 today.
And found myself during the course of the week wondering why on earth I am doing this.

But really, it is quite simple. I have been wanting to qualify in something for a few years, to have something that I felt passionate and interested enough in to spend time studying and then have a career working in afterwards...With about 4 years not fully well in the past 6, I didn't have many options earlier on and then it took a few years to work out what would be the best thing for me to be doing. Since realising that Teaching in general and the Early Years in particular suit me really well I haven't regretted that decision. I do wonder if I am absolutely insane working on a full-time, full-on degree while pregnant.

But then that brings me to my second conclusion. I wanted a child. I asked God for a child. I waited 3 years, and now here it comes. It is somewhat ironic that it didn't happen earlier when I felt much more 'desperate' for it to...rather, it happens when I feel so much more at peace with myself and my life. When Munchkin appeared I was honestly at a place where I was happy with the purpose and direction before me, with or without children. I think that this is probably a healthier place to be, better for me and better for our child, in that I am not expecting it to fill a gaping void in my life, but rather to be part of the amazing tapestry that is a purposeful life.

I do still wonder why I am doing this. With another 4 assignments left to work on, and the 'normal' study load starting back up again next week, I haven't exactly had a holiday. Nor am I likely to get one. But then life doesn't ask us when we would like things, or even what we would necessarily like. Again, probably a good thing as I'd just take the easy road and never have any trouble or hard times and most likely feel completely bored with my life! Of course, this is easy to say, but not very easy to live!

While I didn't 'choose' to have a baby and study full-time all in the one year, I am fully conscious of the blessing that both these opportunities are. Both are major, major things I wanted, and thought I would have to continue waiting several more years for. It is funny how often opportunity comes knocking dressed in overalls and looking like hard work (someone famous said that once, but I can't remember who!)...this year certainly looks like hard work, yet I know deep down that God does not give me things to do without also giving me what is needed to do them. I know that it is through hard times that I grow. It is through hard times that I appreciate the gifts I am given. I just have to remember it during said hard times!

While I would still love for Boyo to land a great, well-paying job in his industry so I can drop my study to part-time, I am not expecting it. Instead, I am going to try and stay focused on the good aspects about this year. Like, he will get to spend time with Munchkin during the day while I study, then I do the night routine while Boyo works. It means Munchkin gets both our attention. And while living on a Student Allowance is no walk in the park, I am sure grateful to be given one! I so can't imagine studying and working.

So when I wonder why on earth I am doing this, I'm going to tell myself, "Because you have to take opportunity when it is given, and run with it. If you don't, you might not get another chance. If you do, you might surprise yourself at just what you are capable of and what amazing things lie around the corner."


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