Rearranging

I have been feeling a little frustrated lately. I think it might be to do with being so tired, all the time. The study/baby/work juggle seems a little beyond me, still recovering from my second cold in as many months (or has it been less months than colds?!). We want to get Munchkin a table and chairs for his birthday, which is in a couple of months. Only we don't have anywhere to put it. So we've been considering other gift ideas instead. We need to get him more nappies as he's outgrown another set (this is not a birthday present, this is just something else he needs - note to self: tall kids cost a lot more to feed and clothe than the average!) and there's bootees and another set of onesie bummsies to get still too...and no $$ with which to get them. I get a bit frustrated when I can't 'find' money from somewhere for things like this. So what did I do? I tried rearranging the furniture this week. As I wrote to my sister-in-law:"...looked at a desk going into our bedroom for Andrew to study while Michael is up...yeah, that won't work without us having to climb over it to get into bed! So then I tried rearranging the lounge furniture just because I'm bored with it. Took photos. Will put it back how it was again today because I don't like it enough! Silly narrow living area. Silly big furniture. Silly students with desks and a baby! Grin...I've had to give up for now..." I have also managed to consume half a block of Whittakers Caramel Milk Chocolate in the past 2 days. Not a great idea. It did taste nice. I could totally go for some more now, but as I can't eat chocolate anytime after about 3pm without being wired all night, I am refraining. The thing is that I KNOW that it doesn't make me feel better. I just always hope it will! And figure that if I'm going to feel miserable and/or frustrated, it may as well be with a bit of chocolate romancing my taste buds. I think I am just feeling frustrated over all with our lives. With the monotony of it, and the dreariness of struggling to pay bills and clothe ourselves (Boyo needs shoes, I need slippers, and then there are those jolly nappies again!). I keep forgetting that the reason I can't just wander off and live some of my big-time dreams is because I am in fact living some! I wanted a child really badly. I have a gorgeous son! I wanted to do something as a career, that I felt passionate about and am gifted at, and here I am studying an Early Years teaching degree and really enjoying it. I have to remind myself that life is about seasons, and we simply can't experience them all at once. It would be too confusing! So because I am experiencing these two major dreams, many of the others are on hold for now...they will come at a later season. A snipet from this morning's sermon at church made me want to plug my ears and hum ("hmmm, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, not listening, hmmm..."). It was: "There is no easy road to the Promised Land." The context was referring to Caleb's life and how long he held onto a dream and waited with passion while almost everyone else around him doubted its possibility...and he did get to live his dream, but he had to go through desert and waiting first. No magic carpet. No pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Just hard work, and trusting, and continuing to walk one step at a time in the right direction. Not exactly inspiring when you're tired and worn out. But true. I look at many of the things I want to do in life, and I know that my life will be so much more relevant and useable for having gone through hard times like now. But that still doesn't mean I don't hope for a way of escape! I think today God was reminding me that there might not be one, and that might be okay. I can hold onto the dreams. They aren't going anywhere unless I let them. Amy Sunday, 10th April, 2011