Sunday, April 21, 2013

Upside Down and Inside Out

My world has been turned upside down.

Eloquence fails me.  I just can't seem to find the words to tell you how I feel.

We have to leave our beloved walkway, our sunny lounge.  We have to move.  The shops, the convenience of my parents being just up the road, the familiarity of streets that I've walked down a hundred times.  It has been thrust upon us, and I just don't feel ready to go.

The silly thing is, we aren't even leaving town.  Just need to find somewhere else to live, that's all.  Our unit is being sold so we have to find new digs.  Not that big a life-changing event, one would think.  But I swear we live in the best suburb in Tauranga.  I can walk to a supermarket, the post shop, chemist, fruit and vege store, fish n chips, or dvd store.  I can walk to my parents.  There's a park at the end of our road.  One that's fenced and has swings and a slide for littlies.  A good friend (really good friend!) lives within walking distance too.  I feel more grief than when we left Townsville.  We were there for three years.  We moved countries to return here, not knowing where we would end up.  But that didn't even come close to what I feel when I consider having to move suburbs now.  I just feel so rooted here.  This is where I belong.  And I don't want to try anywhere else, thank you very much!

Rental prices have gone up significantly in the past few years.  So part of my stress is around the increased cost.  Even though we do receive help through our student allowance scheme, it doesn't cover it all so our already stretched budget has to stretch further, plus there's the large bonds now required, and for many places a letting fee that is worth about three weeks worth of groceries!!!  Then finding somewhere that has what we need, well...fenced for small son, warm and sunny, right area, not a loud neighbourhood, and the list goes on.  Hence why we are needing to look outside our suburb.  Prices here are higher than other areas.  But we have only one car, so we're having to be careful where we choose, so that we can do the car-swap juggle thing, or utilise our feet or our bikes.  It's cheaper over the other side of town, near Polytech.  But there's no shopping hub like we have here, and no walkway just across the road either.  How I will miss my walkway.

The timing is a factor.  I start a full-time, four week teaching placement in just two weeks.  Our tenancy now ends before Practicum (teaching placement) does.  Stressful!!!  I was just getting into the 'prac' train of thought, and now instead I've got to pack.

Our house is filled with boxes.  We don't know where we are going yet, but we figure we have to go somewhere, and soon, so we may as well make the most of what time we have available now and pack whatever we can.

My bigget issue at the moment is the grief.  I feel grief at having to leave.  I'm not ready to say goodbye.  I like where we live.  Love it, in fact.  And while I know it's not perfect, it has been our home.  I walk on our walkway and it feels like it is mine.  This street is mine.  These are my neighbours.  This is my home.  My garden, my driveway.  My space.  So saying goodbye is really hard.  At the same time I'm really grateful.  We've had three years here, three years in which we didn't have to pack a box or clean a kitchen out!  Three years to just be.  We needed it, believe me.  But I still feel angry.  Very angry, to be honest.  It's not that I blame our landlords.  This is the best decision for them and they have been good to us; I know they didn't do this lightly and in fact when we knew they might be selling we asked God to make it really clear whether we were to move or try and stay and hope for new landlords.  Well, we are to move as someone else wants to move in!  So that's been clarified at least.  And I don't blame God, really.  I sometimes wonder if we blame him for too much...putting at his door what is actually just the ramifications of either our decisions or those of another human being.  But I am angry, still.  Angry that here I am, about to launch into a daunting Practicum, after not having done one for two and a half years, and I was actually looking forward to it.  Now I'm concerned about how I'm meant to juggle it with house hunting, packing, cleaning, unpacking, doing mail redirections and all the miriad of other things that come with moving house.  I just wanted a Prac that I could be "present" at, you know?  My first, I was heavily pregnant and spent the time rolling around the classroom on a wheely chair.  My second, I had a six month old waking 4-5 times every night because he was stressed by it all.  Now, they both went well, all things considered, and I'm grateful that Munchkin didn't have to go to daycare (he was stressed enough by the change in routine as it was and he spent his days with Daddy and a grandparent!).  This Prac, I just wanted to enjoy being a trainee teacher.  That's more than enough to focus on.  Well, that and remembering to be nice to my parents, my husband, and (particularly) my son (as he is around the same age as the children I will be spending all day with!).  I just don't need this right now.  I was honestly, truly hoping for an 'easy' year.  I even asked for one.  Yup.  Hasn't happened.  And I do know that we don't grow in 'easy,' I know that we need tough things to deepen our faith and develop our character, but I sure as heck would just like a little break from character development please!  So I find myself wishing that HE would have wrangled things so it didn't fall right now.  We've got Mother's Day, plus Munchkin and Boyo's birthdays thrown into the Prac mix already.  Frankly, I'd prefer to move at Christmas.  I can at least decide to skip Christmas this year.  I can't skip Prac.  I can't change it at all.

Well, Boyo is waiting to talk about the various houses we have shortlisted today.  Better get onto it.



MaxineD said...

Oh Amy, I feel for you. We are praying.
Love and blessings

Elizabeth said...

Haha - but I know the ending, and it turned out all good!

God is SO good! Looking forward to seeing the new place later this year!